The Worship Screen

Today in church I noticed something I had never noticed before: the worship screen.

Now if you just read that and thought, "How could she possibly miss that all these years? Those things are huge!" then you have a problem that will be addressed shortly. In fact, I have noticed the existence of the the big screens that go over the stage where the pastor speaks. In fact, my church has two. But what I discovered today was the particular adjective-noun combination of worship screens. "Now please direct your attention to the worship screens," said the worship leader. And just after everyone had thought they were done worshiping! Little did they know, the TVs they were about to watch were actually worship TVs. Man, those churches just force you in to worshiping in all kinds of ways.

But what makes a screen of the worshipful variety?

Is it the screen itself? Do churches have a special connection with manufacturers that sell only TVs that have been made with products dipped in holy water, or blessed by Jesus Christ himself? Hmm... That seems outrageously unlikely.

Perhaps it's the money used to buy the screen that makes a worship one? Maybe the fact that it was bought by the money given to offering makes it holy. Hey! That's why they emphasize tithing so much. After all, we sure as hell don't want to be looking at any pagan screens in church. This is slightly more probable.

Maybe it's the simple fact that it's in church? I mean, after all, we call the guy who sings songs the worship leader. The room of choice for congragating is often called The Worship Center, and the service is called The Worship Service. It only naturally follows that we called the screens worship screens. If this is true (which it most likely is), we can expect that soon more inanimate objects will follow in this worshipful renaming. At the end of each service the pastor will kindly dismiss us out the worship doors. There will be cute little signs outside the sanctuary asking that no food or drink be omitted for fear it will spill on the worship carpet. Hearty remarks will be made about the awesome sounds that guy made on the worship drumset last week.

Like I said before, the last option is far more logical than the others. After all, we all know that the same money used to buy the church's TV could have been used to buy yours. Not to mention, you could buy the same TV for your house (we're just assuming churches really don't buy from special Worship Markets that hand-dip them in holy water) that was bought for the church and it wouldn't be called a worship screen. I can just see Dad after supper, "Hey can someone turn on the worship screen? I wanna watch the football game tonight."

In conclusion, when anything (or anyone, mind you) enters The Worship Center, you have free reign to add the word worship before referring to it/them. It is in that spirit that I admonish you to greet all your friends. "Hey worship Jack!"